You’re caught in the act…
It is a common refrain that you hear: someone is separating because of a text, email, or voicemail message. You’ll often hear your accuser claiming that it was all a misunderstanding and that there has been no cheating.
Sometimes, the claim of innocence can be a complete lie. Other times, the “cheater” accused actually believes what they say because there have never been any physical sexual encounters outside the relationship. Is that a sign they didn’t cheat? There are some things to consider before you make a decision.
This article will provide insight and tips for those who are in the same situation as you.
*Chicking can occur in married and unmarried relationships. However, I will use the term “spouse” for this article. “
It happens. The “Cheater” Perception
It started innocently enough. It started with a few words, perhaps as part of an online group or work group. Once you found something in common, more words were exchanged. You started to have longer conversations and often continued them even after the other person left. Because it was so much fun, you found more reasons to chat.
Perhaps you felt more understood and supported by the other person than your spouse. It was exciting to think about the possibility of having another conversation. This person was a constant reminder throughout your day. They don’t judge you or make demands of you. You feel better and start to share things you didn’t previously tell your spouse. You feel closer to the other person, and less distance between you spouse.
You know what happens next? One of you tests your boundaries, which you didn’t notice were collapsing. And that’s when the flirting begins. It all started with a compliment. It started with a compliment. Your body and mind responded in a way that you hadn’t experienced for quite some time. Then, there was the wishful thinking. What if? It was fresh, exciting. It was your secret. It was your secret, until it wasn’t…
What is cheating?
Cheating could be defined as the sexual consummation of a relationship that is not monogamous. Cheating is, by definition, the act of deception.
Think about why you kept this secret if your spouse wasn’t aware of the nature and extent of your interactions. What would you say if you were with your spouse? Why not? It was more likely that they didn’t like it or would be hurt.
You are cheating your monogamous spouse if you take something from your monogamous marriage and give it to someone else. They will believe you are giving your best to make the relationship work. But in reality, you are cheating them by thinking you are giving all you have.
What is the appeal of the other person?
It’s a fantasy that the other person will be happier if they leave their monogamous relationships. You feel that you don’t have to be judged. There are no expectations. They accept you just as you are. This is why some people become entangled in the thrill of starting something new and forbidden.
Think about it. But is that the truth? Is this person really able to see you at your worst? Do they have any memories of you at your worst? What would they do if you had the most irritating or inexcusable behavior? If you lived together, would they be any different about what you expect of them? If your actions directly affected their wellbeing, would they be less demanding?
The excitement is what you feel at the start of any relationship. It would eventually change, just like with the first. The purpose of the initial hormones is to attract a mate for long enough to get to understand them. After a while, they switch to hormones that are more conducive to a long-lasting, meaningful relationship.
A relationship is all about giving and receiving. Every type of relationship will have its needs and expectations. There will always be disagreements and times when communication can become difficult. There will always be obstacles to overcome. There will always be both good and bad.
How to Get Back From This
If your spouse is open to forgiveness and willing to move on, there are ways you can get back at an emotional affair. While some of these things may not be easy, they are necessary and completely worth it.
Take the time to get that other person out of your life
No more phone calls, no more texts, no more emails. You should try to limit the contact you have with this person if possible. Although it is ideal to have no contact, sometimes this is not possible.
If you have any other explanations, it is that you remember you are married or in a committed relationship and that you don’t intend to cheat on your spouse. There is no other explanation. Follow through.
Be completely transparent
You made a mistake. You have lost your trust. Now you have to work hard to regain that trust. Being completely transparent is key. It doesn’t matter if they forgive, they can trust you. They shouldn’t. Not yet anyway. You haven’t proved yourself trustworthy. There is no password protection for voicemail, email, or phones. Now you are an open book.
What time do you have to do it? Until.
It’s not happening again
- Your spouse can share your thoughts and feelings.
- Do not have intimate conversations about your spouse or your relationship with anyone except your spouse, a therapist, or your spouse.
- Do not say anything to anyone else that you would not say to your spouse.
- Do not hide or deceive your partner. A lie by omission can still be a lie.
- You can improve your relationship with your spouse by spending quality time together.
- If you are having trouble strengthening your relationship, you should seek counseling.
- You should never be tempted to have an affair. Remember the wisdom of “if they do it with me, they will do it to me.”