Steve posted this comment to my Hub for Unhappily Married Males: Children Change Everything
Only a handful of posts have been read. I will print them all and return to them later. I am able to relate to many of the others right away. My wife and I have been married 15 years. My wife and I were married when we were both 22 years old. For at least five years, I’ve been unhappy. Although I love my children more than anything, I still miss many things. Sex is often quick, and with the children getting older, it is no longer a “good time”.
Because I work long hours, some nights I cannot stay awake past ten o’clock. My wife works as hard as I do, and we barely have enough food to survive. It is impossible to save for retirement or the future. I cannot stop thinking about someone else. Although I have not cheated on my wife, I am afraid my thoughts will make me cheat one day soon. I miss the company and touch of another woman. In years past, I have not sex or held hands. I am older, but I’m still alive. To make it seem less miserable, I try to keep myself as busy as I can with my children. It is so frustrating to hear people tell you that if you are unhappy, you should leave. It would be so easy, I wish.
It’s not that I dislike my wife, but I don’t feel passion anymore. It’s easy to see why married men cheat. One day, I may be that person. It’s easy to see why men won’t cheat on their spouses and live in nice homes. It’s not fair to lose everything and then cheat. Perhaps if I cheat and realize that the grass isn’t greener on my side, then maybe I can finally put all my wonders aside. I want to be happy. I want everyone to feel happy.
It’s true, I didn’t think about Steve’s point about testing the water to determine if you want it out of your marriage, before you end it and realize you made a mistake.
Many of the commenters on that article believed that “grass is always greener”.
Many married men can relate with Steve. They were too young to marry and they had to rush. They had children, built a large house, and work hard. They are miserable.
Steve explains that he hasn’t even kissed or held hands for years.
Steve, I hear ya honey. I don’t judge. You are in a very difficult place. Everybody should feel loved, wanted and accepted. This is especially true for someone who is in a committed relationship. Your wife should feel in love with your husband. If you don’t feel comfortable with this, then sex shouldn’t be “quick” and rare. I understand your frustrations and feelings.
However, it isn’t the right way to think about meeting new people.
Consider what it is you really want. It’s possible to imagine being free from commitment. You can’t expect the other woman to take away your debts, responsibilities, failing marriage, or children. If you think about the other woman, you are thinking about how to erase those things. You’re focusing on something more than sex. It’s intimacy and sensuality. It’s about reconnecting with the healthy, masculine part of yourself. Desiring to be attractive and desired. Desire to be desired and desirable.
It’s not as easy as you think to find out that you don’t feel the same way with another woman. My Hub Affairs with Married Men. Learn about the anguish and pain, the pathetic lives and betrayal of other women and the pain that the wives inflict on them. It’s shocking and eye-opening.
While the affair may bring you a moment of happiness, it will cause heartbreak and destruction for everyone else. The affair will also bring guilt and take more time from your loved ones who are most in need of it. An affair is not the answer. It won’t bring your fantasy to life.
You deserve praise for trying to discuss it. Before you make another mistake that you will never be able to correct, you took a deep breath and attempted to discuss it. It is important to go online, read the article and leave a comment. Next, you should talk to your wife.
Men want to be quiet at this point. This is the part where men are certain that their wife will not understand and it will only make things worse.
That may be true. Listen, but don’t forget to use this opening line. It is possible that you are thinking about having an affair. You’re so miserable you spend your time fantasizing about someone else. It doesn’t get any worse. It’s already there, it’s at bottom, and it’s worse than it looks. You have nothing to lose, in fact.
There’s a good chance she is also miserable. You can do a lot if you work together and listen to one another. It won’t fix all your mistakes, but it will make your life better. You can make your life more manageable, or at the very least, you can try. This is not how you live.
It is important to remember that you and your wife should not place blame in this pre-affair conversation. Instead, it is important to focus on the work involved.
Tell your wife straight up that you have never cheated. You must also tell your wife that you are lonely. You don’t feel sexy or desired. You miss kissing. Holding hands is something you miss. You miss the romance, the love. Tell her that you don’t blame her. You both have to do this together. You need to tell her clearly that your marriage is in trouble. You won’t let it get worse without fighting.
Begin with a date. You don’t need to spend a lot, but it should be romantic. You don’t have the budget for dinner or the time. Fine. How about dessert? One drink? One cup of coffee? Go out and make an effort. Dress up and try to recall the time you fell in love.
Instead of pointing fingers, approach problems like a team: “What are we going to do to change it?” “How can we reach a compromise?”
It is not healthy to work hard just to make ends met. It is important to look at ways you can reduce your spending. You can reduce the car you own, move to a smaller home, cut down on kid activities, and set a tighter budget for food and household expenses. You can sell jewelry, shop at consignment shops and even sell furniture, clothes, or other stuff. You will have a happier marriage as your reward for making these sacrifices.
This is how to stop feeling exhausted all the time. When you feel exhausted, it’s difficult to be romantic. You can begin to heal those feelings of unhappiness if you are able to come up with enough money each week to go on a date.
It is hard, but it is necessary to talk with her. To work together, you both must make the effort. To be and feel attractive. To let the other know they are valued. It is a two-way street that can only be achieved if both parties try. At the very least, you can try.
You know what to do if she doesn’t listen or communicates with you. Living in misery is a waste of time. You have to get out if you want to escape. However, I can assure you that lying, cheating and being dishonest are not better ways to go. Spend the time thinking about meeting new people and talk to your wife about it. Even in the worst scenario, you will at least know you tried.
I hope that you will keep in touch.
Veronica is a Hubpages relationship author who offers expert advice on love, relationships, marriage, and dating.